Unsolicited handbook for marital bliss!

I am not very good at taking advice, solely because I think I know it all most of the time, except when I am stuck with a failed recipe or when I am caught gossiping about someone while that someone casually walks up from behind me; in such cases, I do seek advice from none other than my mother. Even in those circumstances, no one else can take the liberty of advising me.

But when I was getting married, my total of ten best friends, none of whom were married, decided to advise me about how to keep the spark alive in my marriage.

Now you will find more details about and around the event in my book, but what you won’t find there are the tips! which I believe are extremely important and are the very reason I have been married for seventeen years. Sorry, I meant seven.

Anyways, taking forward the tradition of giving unsolicited advice as it runs in civilization, I would go ahead and resolve my itch.

1. I was told to make a mixtape to revive the memories of the early years of marriage and courtship. Let me tell you, after so many years of marriage when you are barely managing to keep your sh*t together, this goes straight down the toilet. It took me 85 seconds to recall what exactly this tape was called. Before I could recall it being called a mixtape, a few other things crossed my mind like tapecast, red tape, cassette, and jukebox. Now you see how remote this idea is from reality. Next! 
2. The next step was to surprise and pamper each other with perfumes, bath essentials, evening gowns, and Gucci bags. Listen, I don’t want any of it. I have had a box of bath bombs sitting in my closet for the past 38 months, and I have neither the patience nor the luxury to use them. Evening gowns are of no use either because I don’t go out in the evenings anymore. And even if I did, there are winters and sub-zero temperatures where I live for the most part of the year, so even if I go out in my pajamas, no one will know; I have my down and feather jacket on all the time. That’s jersey, baby! What I actually need is a week off all by myself, takeaway pizzas, and a full-time maid who will cook, clean, feed my kids, take them to classes, engage them, play with them, and keep my home in order. See! I don’t need expensive stuff. I am extremely low-maintenance.
3. There was actually logical advice, which was to communicate. I cannot agree more with how important it is, because your spouse is not a wizard; he cannot read your mind and come straight to the kitchen after he is done with his work to take up the chore of offloading the dishwasher. While I write this, I think the advice must have been more generic. like, not just related to chores. But you cannot blame me; our communication for the past three years has been just about survival and keeping mice and diseases out of our home. So, I guess in a nutshell, just communicate, and I will take that. Thank you.
4. Last but not least, I was advised to dress up. I can barely color my white hair roots for months, let alone go to the salon, and my legs are fit for an Afghan hound. Even if I get out of my pajamas, I won’t look dressed up! I can’t. My back hurts all the time, and so does my mind when I think about catching up with these suggestions.

So I refuse to feel guilty for not being able to live up to the “manual of marital bliss,” because what’s the fun if you cannot even fart in the same room where your husband is watching cooking videos and then comfortably laugh about it? That is how the relationship should be—pure, bare, and real—and also shameless! With this thought, I leave you to enjoy your weekend! see you soon again!

with lots of love and jalebis

A no-marriage expert.